It's been a very long time since I've written any kind of a journal entry online. I haven't been on in like...a year, I think. Since my last visit I've kind of grown up, something I should have done years ago. Funny how quickly reality sets in after school.

Time for an update.

A lot has happened these last two and a half years. I'm living on my own with my brother now, paying rent and bills. I've had 4 jobs. I now work at "the best toy store in town,"...yeah right.

I don't drive or have a license. Still.
1)Because I don't have a car.
2)Because parking at my apartment is a hassle, whatwith Goldcoast Security. They've towed our car twice, and the second time I nearly beat the officer in the teeth because I was so angry.
But I held back, even though he was very disrespectful to me. I still gave him my money.
3)I don't really like driving. It's not like I can't or anything, but driving just isn't for me.

Cars cars cars...does that make me less of a man to not own one/drive one? Probably. One of my friends thinks so. But it's okay. He got pranked pretty bad so it all worked out fine in the end. lol, yeah vengeance is wrong, I know.

What to write...oh yeah, physically, I've only changed a little bit. I'm exactly the same as I was five years ago, except now I can grow a beard-ish thing on my face. But that's about it...no, I'm not a late bloomer. I'm part Native American, Sioux, a tribe known for lacking facial hair(like most tribes) and because of that I can thank my heritage for all the times I've been mistaken for a girl with small breasts up until this point in my life. Yeah.

Spiritually, I still believe in Christ. There's a lot more to this life than just living and dying and trying to make it through another day at work. I find that my life actually means something when it's brought into this equation. I'm not perfect, and I've always been a sinner, but I strive to live my life as best as I can without blindly following every labeled christian cliche'. I've come to learn that I really feel whole and happy knowing I'm a small and seemingly insignificant part of a much bigger and more impacting picture, and a much greater story. the body of Christ is made up of different parts, like a machine...and although I might be a pancreas, or a pinky toe, I find fullfillment doing something for the greater good because I'd rather be hated for doing what's right than be loved for doing what's morally convicting and "going with the flow" of society. I don't want to be like everyone else...but it's true that in order to find yourself in this world, you need to lose yourself. Lose your pride and everything you own, have it stripped away, because it's at those moments you learn who you are. It's at those moments that your canvas becomes blank and your mind finally sees what your spirit needs. Look I'm ranting.

The way I see it, there are two kinds of people in american society: Dog people and Cat people.

Dog people like to hang out in groups and are usually loud and won't do anything that the group might think isn't cool. They're afraid to speak up and usually have a leader or two that sets the standard for the rest of the group--people who like sports, gangs, clubs and major religions.

Cat people are the loners, the wierdos and the outcasts of society--the nerd, the cripple, and in some cases the person with different color skin. These are the people who you laugh at when you drive through downtown L.A.

I'd like to think I'm a cat person. I'm a bit of a loner and kind of wierd. I haven't known too many friends that have stuck by me for years and years.

I think, however, that this world would be a lot better if there were no divisions between people. We can all be unique, and we are, but we should never change who we are for the sake of a temporary fulfillment within a group.
We all need people to live. We all need to be social. Human beings are social creatures. I guess that's why I think both groups have got it wrong, admittedly.

Speaking of longing for people, I think I've finally found someone that I can really put my faith in, probably for the rest of my life(?).
I've known her since I was 15, and we were together for a short time. Our relationship ended when she moved across the country, over 1000 miles away. I felt so happy when I was with her. We had so much in common when we were younger, and I was just a kid then, but I invested in her emotionally, and felt so secure...lol, I think it was young love. but I was devastated when she wasn't here anymore. she set the standard for every other girlfriend I've had after that...and every single one after her never made me feel the way she made me feel. After being cheated on 3 times and experiencing 'drama' for the first time...it just made me long for this faraway dream-girl even more. The statement "distance makes the heart grow fonder" is absolutely true.
After graduating high school, I began talking to her again and she would call like...every day. Despite the 3 hour difference, she memorized the time I woke up every day and was always courteous ...asking, "are you busy?".....*sigh*...I could talk about her all day long and then some.
I fell in love with her again. She has the ability to take your heart even when she's not there in person...

After months of talking over the phone I noticed there would be days...weeks when she wouldn't call. I figured it was because of work.
When she called one morning and said that we should start looking for different people I was kind of heartbroken. I guessed she must have found herself a boyfriend who could be there for her, and who wasn't on the other side of america.
I tried again. and failed.

A year went by.

Probably the most exciting thing that happened to me this year was when she came to California to accompany her mom. I finally got to see her in person again. After all these years, she still looked great. She was just as funny, and just as cute as I remembered her.

And...I won't divulge what happened that night when she came to visit. But now I'm a little confused.

I guess she wants to come to California to live here now. As much as I've fallen for her again...and as much as I want to be with her...and as much as I want her to live here...I fear that she won't be as happy here as she is now, where she lives. She has everything over there. Moreso than over here. It would hurt me personally knowing that she would have to rebuild her life again if she came to live over here. I don't know if she understands how much she would be sacrificing...and I can only imagine the emotional price she's going to pay if she does choose to live here...

...and what's more, is that I know I'm not the best guy in the world. I'm not the greatest boyfriend that ever lived. I fear that I might not make her as happy as she is with her current boyfriend...I fear that her love for me would be in vain in part because of my personal flaws and shortcomings...

I want her to be happy...and I know I'm selfish for wanting her so badly...but she's everything I've ever dreamed of in a girl...as much as I hate to say it, I think she's happiest where she is now.

But. If she does in fact choose to live here, and choose to be with me...I'm giving it my all. I won't hold back anything for her...I'll honestly try my best for this one--because there's no one like her. And despite the circumstance, I still love her. I've still loved her.

eh....I'll stop now.

mushy confusion.

...but that's pretty much what's been going on in my life.